I don't really know why this title will fit. I want to write about two creative outlets in my life - music and photography. I'm "good" at both. Hard for me not to erase that, but that's what I am. Good. Not great. Not excellent. Not exceptional. Not bad. Not awful. Good. Better than some. Not professional at either. They are my two greatest passions next to travel. If someone handed me a few million bucks, that is all I'd do. Travel, sing and photograph... (maybe write once and a while on this blog and others.)
There are some schools of thought who say, "Just go for it. Live your dream. Make it happen. Work at what you're passionate about." There are others that say, "Get a REAL job. These are just hobbies and should remain so. What are you thinking? Do you know your chances of success??" More on this later...
Photography is observing, for me. Photography is appreciating. Photography is really slowing down and trying to SEE the world. I have to be in a kind of special "zone" to take really good photos. Sure, I do snap, snap, snap along with the best of them. I like that kind of photography too. Just fun. But there are just these special, exciting moments when I just feel turned on inside...when the light is right, the moment is right/special, the expression is priceless... I think you know what I mean. I know I can't be alone in this. There are just too many passionate photographers out there.
Music is participatory. Music is something that has always expressed my emotions, my emotional frustration, anger, love, happiness, grief, confusion, etc. There are many times, weeks, months... even years have gone by, when I haven't used my voice. Music is sometimes therapy for me. I am not a great communicator in life. I keep a lot inside, or so some of my relationships have mentioned. I'm not sure why. I just go quiet for long periods of time. Lately I'm singing a little more than I used to. In fact in the last two years, I've picked it up more than I have in the last 15.
The continual battle in me has always been do I try to have enough faith in what I love, what I'm good at, to keep working at it and try to actually BE a professional at one or the other? To do that requires that I believe in myself and my abilities. I don't. I know I'm "good"... that's it. In my mind at least, success in either of these areas takes "exceptional", not good. It also takes believing in yourself without question, which I never have cultivated. So? I go on, taking neither of my passions seriously. OR
Do I just get a job? Keep these passions as hobbies and even though I'm burnt out and in pain from a 40+ work week at little above minimum wage, never getting ahead of the game... Do I just try to find a little time to pick up my passions now and then? There has to be a better way. I have had SO many soul crunching "jobs" in my life. I should have some kind of a CAREER by now! ANYTHING would probably be better than nothing.
I'm 56 years old this year. My age is finally showing. Parts of me aren't working like they used to. My time on this earth is getting shorter and shorter. What have I contributed? Reality is finally sinking into this child-like brain of mine. I'm afraid parts of me have never really "grown up." I don't face reality well. I've been running away from things most of my life. Like the fact that I have absolutely no savings. Nothing. No health insurance. No 401K. I'm deep in debt. Terrible credit. School loans unpaid. No inheritances to rely on. About $350. in my checking account at the moment and no income coming in. I've been looking for work since August. You'd think that would put me in an all out panic. It does some days. But I've been here before, not once but several times in my life. If I think about it too long it just makes me want to put a gun to my head and stop it all. Give up because it's just too hard. Most days, I roll my creaky ass out of bed, limp down to make coffee, and try to have faith. Faith that today things just might change. It's all I can do. One foot in front of the other.
This is not really how I envisioned my life. I had dreams. Big dreams. I still do, when I'm trying to avoid the reality of the situation. I want to participate in LIFE, not be an observer of it. (I don't mean I want to stop photographing.) I want to be living IN my dream. I keep trying. I keep trying to think of avenues IN, but I feel like time is running out. Maybe it has already run out and it's too late and I just don't want to see that? There just must be something I'm not doing right these days. I know others are able to do it. Why not me? And another question that needs to be answered is why can't I just be happy where I'm at? I'll tell you the answer to that one, right now. Because I know I can do better. I want more from myself. I know I have it in me, somewhere... to be better than this.
I have no conclusion to this blog post. I'm finished sending applications in for jobs over the net today. No more interviews scheduled at the moment. I have a little gas in my car and I'm heading to Eugene to see a few friends. I'm not even going to stop to organize this jumble of words. No editing today. Just stream of consciousness typing. Sorry for the mess. That's just my brain today.
