Joy. Interesting word. When I say it in my mind these days, I don't feel it. I feel cold, blank. I remember what it feels like, vaguely. To be so totally immersed in something. To feel a complete happiness and excitement. To feel inspired and alive.
For someone with chronic depression, it isn't an easy thing to find. I don't remember the last time. That's a bad sign. Maybe for a few minutes a couple months ago when I got a little stoned for the first time in years and was playing music. I forgot myself. I forgot everything else except the music and I felt joy. Is that what it is? Just a total immersion into something?
Yes, I do take medication. I don't exercise much these days and I know if I did it would help. But that's the tricky part about depression. You KNOW all the things that could possibly help your situation but you are DEPRESSED so you just don't care enough to do anything about it.
I have battled with this disease, (and it took me a very long time to even admit that it is a disease and not just some terrible character flaw I was born with)... off and on, for about twenty or more years. If I think back, there were probably some episodes even before that. So I don't think it's hormonal.
But I didn't really want this post to be about that. It's just the back story. This post is about joy. Where I find it. Right now the biggest joy in my life is a little fluff ball named Panda Maurice. I never imagined I could be so in love with a four legged creature, but here I am. I've had plenty of dogs in my life. All of them big. Some of them very sweet. My last dog, Jazz, was a case and a half! Lab/Chesapeake/Husky mix. An alpha female all the way... that finally after several years, I gave up battling with. We constantly butted heads. She was just too much for me and we never really connected. She was not especially a people pleaser. I think, honestly I was more relieved than sad when I finally had to put her down at fifteen. I hate to admit that, but it's true.
Panda is quite another story. Of course as a puppy, he was/is still quite cute. He is a purebread Pembroke Welsh Corgi. Not a dog I probably ever would have chosen. I'm never been a small dog lover. In my experience they bark too much, are too excitable, too needy. Besides in my earlier days, I not only needed a companion dog but a dog that might be more on the protective side or at least a deterrent. I did a lot of hitchhiking hiking and traveling by myself.
Panda is different. He aims to please. We connect. He seems special somehow in a way that I find hard to explain. He's very sensitive. He listens. He really does. Just one small example: The other evening I was feeling pretty down. I was sitting on the couch with him watching Fried Green Tomatoes, a movie that always makes me cry. Panda was perched up on the back arm of the couch. (He is a bit cat-like and likes to climb things.) Minutes after I started sniffling, he climbed down off his perch with no prompting, came over and looked up at me and started licking my face. Now maybe this isn't strange for most dogs but none of my other dogs did it. Especially Jazz who would barely look me in the eye at close range, let alone ever "kiss" me... even when I asked her to.
Panda is smart. He is very quiet. He rarely barks. He's happy to just be with you much of the time, watching or snuggling. He watches tv with us. He is totally enthusiastic about life. I know most puppies are, but watching him just makes my heart smile. When he is at the river or the park with me he runs and jumps and tears around in a figure eight pattern, throws things up in the air for himself, splashes in the water... and it looks like he has the biggest grin on his face the whole time. He looks at me as if to say, "Why aren't you enjoying this as much as me?!" I do, when I look at him. It's that child-like quality of pure involvement in the moment, that I miss. Too much going on in my brain these days I suppose. He reminds me what it's like and it warms my heart. It also makes me sad at times, that I seem to have lost it.
To say that I feel protective of this little guy is an understatement. He wants everyone to be his friend. Big dogs, little dogs, cats, humans, he's excited to meet and to know everyone. This has been to his detriment a few times, as he was attacked before he knew about rolling over and playing submissive. Yesterday a big black dog came rushing up to us at the beach. I yelled at him and he stopped and then his owners called him back. I was totally ready to kick some black dog ass. This urge of pure adrenaline just came over me and I got mad as hell. Panda is so innocent and so loving. I feel it's my job to protect him at all costs. Maybe that's just the "mother" in me.
Back to the joy issue. There are a few things that still give me great joy. One is a road trip or travel of any kind. I don't know why. It's just always been such a freeing experience for me. Especially the times when I didn't necessarily have a set destination or time line in mind. I miss that with all my heart. I feel stuck at the present time mostly due to finances. Next thing that gives me joy is communication with a few close friends who I feel really know the art of listening. Thirdly, getting out of town. (Yes, this is part of the travel joy, but also it's just being able to have a rural landscape more accessible to me. I don't right now. I live in the city and it's becoming more and more frustrating, no not frustrating irritating, to drive and drive and drive and still not be able to get away from the noise, the cars, the people and find a quiet and beautiful place in nature where I find inspiration to photograph or write. I NEED that in my life. I don't just want it. It's a necessary thing for me. It makes me happy to look out my window and see wide open spaces. "A room with a view." I need to live someplace where I can breathe. THAT gives me joy. A flower garden gives me joy. Horses give me joy. Mountains and open places give me joy. Wild thunderstorms give me joy. Music gives me joy.
There is no conclusion to this post. Just that I need to cultivate a little more joy in my life, and a lot less sadness. It's work. It wasn't always work. It doesn't seem as difficult with Panda around.
